Death and Taxes

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My last remaining grandmother (I started with a total of 4 so there have been a few) is starting to show some signs of her age - a little forgetful and not quite as energetic as back in the days of insisting on making giant 7 course meals for tuesdays. Naturally this lead conversation with my pop down the road of "I'm never going to be like that, I'll settle matters myself if I have to".

I told him that's probably really not going to be a concern since the guys in our family seem to do fine and the life expectancy of a 60 year old man who still snowboards (and his son who appears to enjoy being crushed by logs) is probably pretty low - nature will sort of take care of the problem for us. Ever the pragmatist (except when making purchase, it's pretty clear where I get that particular gene) my dad insists on planning and has come up with a rube-goldbergian method of ensuring he doesn't become a burden: he's going to build himself a nice long ramp with a little lip at the end leading to a lake, get himself a bottle of wine, a wheelchair and just let gravity and sleep do the rest.

There were a couple of other less elaborate plans but all of them seemed to involve falling asleep with heavy narcotics and never waking up. I'm convinced there are more exciting ways to go and had planed to either

  1. Take a nice long flight with a faulty parachute - the most exciting 4 minutes of free fall I'll ever have. Added benefit of probably just having a heart attack midway through.
  2. Die blissfully of exhaustion during a weekend in vegas with a dozen high priced call girls - obvious down side of probably not being able to properly participate when I'm 70.
but both of those lack the gadgeteer's touch of, say, being stalked by your own hand crafted, shotgun wielding robot angle of death. So now I've been thinking, what's the most elaborate, geeky, and entertaining (for the inevitable audience) way to go? The robo terminator is all I've gotten so far but I've also been asleep for 7 hours since having this conversation so cut me some slack.

Robo angle of death.. I like that, it's got a marketable ring to it.

Oh yes, and the little hairless guy below brought in a healthy half million hits yesterday. A stump compared to the duffman apocalypse that comes every october but respectable none the less. 90% of the comments sampled seem to mock his plight while the other 10 want to adopt his mangy little hippo butt. I realize this doesn't really count as "taxes" but "Death and Hairless Monstrosity" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.


Don't worry... I'll be sure to come up with a creative surprise for you.

Give me some time, and I can help you plan - I already have my best friend's and Patrick's horrible and spectacular deaths figured out. Not that I would initiate murderous rampages, but I seem to have a good imagination when it comes to other people's mortality. In the meantime, I vote for death via robot, so long as its repetitive audio clip emits elevator music or Teddy Ruxpin sayings.

Its a domestic hairless rat that got away from its owners. It looks fine and healthy for a typical hairless rat.

i am slightly concerned about this robot - do you have it programmed for a certain time? what if the time you pick, not knowing what the future holds, turns out to be inconvenient? is there a "cancel" button?

I'm convinced an angle is going to get me too. A long protracted death by acute angle.

Yeah yeah moni - though if that was the only typo in that long of a post then I'm improving :)

I have enjoyed Hairless Rodent Theatre. The sheer amount of tag lines that could come out of the comments made is staggering. As for death? My dad always wanted to die in bed with a beautiful woman as her jealous husband walked in. He aimed high, that one.

Wait, what?

Pat, I'm sure it's nothing. Pssst. Do it quickly; he's getting suspicious!

I've always liked option 2 above, or some variation of that - I'll stick to that as the preferred method. As to performance at 70, I'm sure there'll be some new wonder drug by then... "Don't take if you have heart problems" - Who cares! As to the creature, I was just about to send you a mail that a spammer hit you again, until I scrolled through the comments, and holy crap!, you actually got 272 real comments...


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