December 2004 Archives

Man, it's a good thing I'm not 8 years old.

Driving to work I glance over and see a man in a flannel shirt and baseball cap just deck Santa Claus. Years of milk and cookies have not helped his fighting fisique either and he goes down like a sack of potatoes. The flannel man steps over him and proceeds to beat the living crap out of the jolly old elf, tossing his jiggling fat carcass all over the place.

It's of course at this time that I realise santa is in fact an inflatable display that's lost about half of its air and the flannel man is the store owner struggling to stand him back up.

traumatic to see none the less.

I need a nickname. Or rather I need just one. The opportunity has arrisen for me to get my "US Nookie Team - Canadian Tour '05" baseball style shirt printed - I already have a T-shirt labelled "trainer" :) - and everyone who has or is getting one has their nickname on the breast. I chose the word breast over chest because most of the memebers are women and therefore "trainer" makes more sense. But I digress.

So I need a nickname but nothing seems really apropo. That can't be spelled correctly. So far as a general list I have:

• Kraken
• Sparky
• Chicken Wing
• Sir Hurts-a-lot (I injur myself with great regularity, so the following are part of that list sub catagory):
  • Traction
  • Accident Prone
  • Injury Prone
  • *Oof*
• Plus the travel themed ones:
  • Viator
  • Wanderer
  • Jet Lagged... hmm, kind of like that one...
• And of course the geek ones:
  • Ubergeek
  • Dork
  • Technoweenie

So what should I be? what's missing from that list? Who would have thought a novelty t-shirt would cause so much stress. Someone help me out here, I'm trapped by my own obsessive-compulsive dorkiness.

There's a major street near where I live that has a little stretch, say the length between one strip club and the other, where woman of the night tend to work. I had the opportunity to drive that stretch of road at about one in the morning the other night. It appears business is booming; I know this because management has shown up.

That's right. Pimps.

At least I assume it was pimps. I hope they were pimps. What other reason could a middle aged man have for wearing a full length ivory fur coat with matching wide brim fur cap? At one in the morning. While being stopped on the street by police.

Huh. Pimps. And they actually look like you'd assume pimps would. Who knew those costumes were accurate.

Does everyone remember the movie eurotrip? If not, there's a scene in there where our three young heros decide to visit a nude beach. Hot chicks. YAY! Only not. Instead there is just a sweaty herd of fairly out of shape nude men. "so.. many.. penises" is the line uttered. Yeah, that was basically my experience at the gym.

Having freshly sold my soul to the corporate behemoth I decided to at least use some of the perks and try out the Pro Club health center. Nice place, 4 pools, lots of weight equipment - it's nice to have a proper gym. The locker room is pretty posh but there isn't a shy guy in the place apparently. And you have to remember that while the club is used by professional athletes it's also used by the legion of microsofters. Generally speaking, as an average, microsoft employees aren't really in the best of shape either. Really skinny or incredibly fat they all seem to share a desire to strut.

I've got no problem displaying my wares, going commando, dangling some tackle, whatever. But when you're in a narrow aisle of lockers, a guy is using the locker behind you and a fat hairy naked man has to squeeze - litterally squeeze - between you to get to his area it's a little... unpleasant.

I hope I've fully captured the experince for you.